Can you think of a time when you felt really close to Jesus Christ? I mean really close. Perhaps you were at your wit’s end trying to figure out a solution to an unsolvable problem. Or maybe a loved one’s life hung in the balance. Per chance, you were struggling to know whether God even exists or if He knows who you are. Maybe you had but a dollar in your bank account and didn’t know how to find your next meal, let alone pay the bills and take care of your family. Perhaps you felt so alone, so very alone. Or maybe, you feel you’ve gone too far, gotten lost, or made too many wrong turns to find your way back.
Regardless of the circumstances, I imagine, if you’re like me, you have felt or feel closest to the Savior when you are at your weakest, darkest moments.
At General Conference just a couple weeks ago, Elder Karl D. Hirst said:
I wonder, if Jesus were to choose a place where you and He could meet, a private place where you would be able to have a singular focus on Him, might He choose your unique place of personal suffering, the place of your deepest need, where no one else can go? Somewhere you feel so lonely that you must truly be all alone but you aren’t quite, a place to which perhaps only He has travelled but actually has already prepared to meet you there when you arrive? If you are waiting for Him to come, might He already be there and within reach?
God’s Favourite, October 2024 General Conference
Notice how this says “if Jesus were to choose.” We are not choosing the meeting place in this scenario. Jesus Christ who has suffered every specific trial, heartache, frustration, and turmoil we could ever experience knows in perfect detail how we feel. He has been there. And He is there with us when we experience it ourselves. “He has actually already prepared to meet us there when we arrive.”
I have been in that specific place many times. Sometimes I’ve stayed there longer than others. Sometimes it looks and feels different than others. And as horrible and miserable of a place it is, I always find Jesus there–with me, holding me, carrying my burdens. He never leaves me comfortless. He always stays as long as I allow Him. And when the depths of sorrow pass, I find myself longing for that closeness again. No, I don’t want to go through the trial again, but nothing can compare to the intimate companionship of the Savior in that place of refining.
My goal each time I leave that place is to keep that feeling, keep that closeness. To keep that “singular focus” on the Savior even though routine life resumes. Yet, in all my efforts, nothing can quite compare, save for small moments of revelation and communion through the Holy Ghost that come through purposefully seeking Jesus. In these times He finds me in the temple, at church or a baptism, at the side of someone else who is suffering, in the quiet moments at the end of the day. It is surprising where we find Him sometimes, but the point is that He is always there. Sometimes we are too busy or distracted to feel Him and know Him.
I am writing this from tge hospital as I am yet again being admitted for another infection that must be treated with IV antibiotics. There is no other way.
My heart is heavy and I feel so broken and beyond frustrated. Four of the last five Octobers (and more than a few Octobers before that) I have spent days or weeks in the hospital for various reasons. I have a milestone wedding anniversary this week, and I honestly cannot remember the last time we celebrated our anniversary on the actual day. Many anniversaries like last year, I have no memory of whatsoever because I was in the hospital with serious difficulties. This year I hope to at least be aware and acknowledge it, knowing we shall celebrate soon.
I had a goal to stay out of the hospital this year. It didn’t happen. I was there in July days before school began. I made a new goal to stay out the entire month of October, but here we are.
Maybe next year.
For now, I will focus on Christ. I will remember my covenants with the Lord, including the one I made with my husband in marriage. I will remember and give thanks for my many, many blessings. I am so loved by my family and friends. I adore my two beautiful children, and pray they will be blessed to feel the love and peace of Jesus when I am not home with them. I pray for my husband who is dutiful in serving and taking care of me in my sickness, never once complaining. I am so blessed!
Life never seems so short as when you are forced to focus on the here and now, forced to slow down and look at what really matters. Since I re-listened to this talk by Elder Hirst just yesterday, these thoughts were already on my mind. But, now they take on even deeper meaning as I embark on this hospital stay. I look forward to having singular focus on Christ as I meet Him again in one of my rough places. He knows it well. He knows me well. May this time I have with Jesus bring me closer to Him and prepare me to face whatever else comes my way in the future. I pray that when this treatment is done, I will keep that focus as strong as I can despite the busyness and distractions of mortal life.
And most importantly, may I always remember the joy that is felt most deeply through the refining fire as I focus on my Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ.