Another year goes by. Crazy to think we’re at the end of 2024. This year has definitely brought its ups and downs. Looking back, I choose to focus on all the good. I have seen so many miracles this year – great and small.

As I write this once again from my hospital bed, my thoughts go to Moroni 10. In that chapter, the final verses of The Book of Mormon, Moroni speaks of spiritual gifts and miracles brought by faith, hope, and charity. What better time of year to ponder on such things than at Christmas?

This is the first year December has flown by without me even knowing which day it is. It was our busiest December that I recall. Something scheduled nearly every night. There was hardly time for advent calendars, Christmas movies, or even hot cocoa. (I know, I’m appalled, too.) But I did take time myself as well as with my family to study the scriptures every day; to talk of Christ every day; to count our blessings and pray for others every day.

Of all the years I would have to be removed from my family for a time, I suppose this one works because I have had so much fun going and doing all the things this season with my family. Memories to last a lifetime.

I have found this December to be different from past years in a few ways.

1. There was something extra fun or exciting to look forward to every day. An advent of its own I guess.
2. Seeing my children more involved outside the home felt like sharing Christmas spirit in a whole new way.
3. The small quiet moments waiting or watching were my most cherished.
4. I really don’t care about one present or material item. I simply love being with my family and spending time in person with them. Experiences are far greater than things.
5. Joy and the Spirit of Christmas can be found everywhere you go if you look for it, or better yet, bring it with you.
6. The combined faith and prayers of family and friends is a very powerful, tangible thing.

I have not been feeling well for some time. This year has been a challenge that way, but the past 6 weeks especially have been difficult. Going and doing all the things, albeit fun, was not easy. For every event I had to put my best foot forward, often pretending to feel well so the kids could enjoy whatever it was we were doing.

One particular night after we had gone and done and I’d given all I had to the cause, I was getting in bed and feeling terrible. My husband questioned whether we should have been doing all these activities rather than just keeping me home to rest. I told him even though it took everything I had to give, I had no regrets and would do it again in a heartbeat just to see the smiles and joy in my children’s faces.

It was in that moment I realized something profound: Jesus Christ embodies what I was saying. He gave us everything. Literally, He gave His life and all He had to give so we can have joy. True joy. Not just joy for a night. Eternal joy. Eternal families. Eternal progression. As a parent, I experienced only a fraction of the smallest fraction of what the Savior feels for us. Very humbling.

When I got the news I had to go to the hospital only 5 days before Christmas, I was beyond devastated. Of all the things, this was most unexpected. I hadn’t been feeling well, no, but I was recovering from surgery and what has seemed like “normal UTIs” – same old story. I never imagined all the fun things would come to a halt with a “super bug UTI” doctors worried could turn into sepsis.

I got the call from the doctor telling me I had to be admitted to the hospital only an hour later. I had to drop everything and go. My kids were already spending time with family, so my husband just started driving. As the hours ticked by in the hospital waiting for my actual room and starting the IV medications, I tried to think of all my blessings and the amazing things we’d done this year. The list was endless. I also tried to focus on Jesus Christ, knowing He and only He knew how I felt.

It is not the end of the world to be in the hospital when, other than needing IV medications, I feel okay. I have so many friends and loved ones who have it far worse than I. More life-threatening situations or even loss of life, leaving those behind to grieve and mourn. It was uplifting to count my many, many blessings.

I just finished reading Elder David A. Bednar’s book The Rock of Our Redeemer on Deseret Bookshelf. I highly recommend it. My dad had recommended it to me, and I am so glad I read it. Toward the end of the book, Elder Bednar talks about how Christ knows what we go through – that we cannot say no one knows how we feel because He does. Part of Jesus’s mission on this earth was to suffer all our pains, sorrows, grief, afflictions, infirmities, sins, and transgressions. Jesus Christ, through His infinite and eternal sacrifice in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross, suffered all things so He can now and forever hold us to Him and guide us through paths of grief and pain. He has walked the path, felt it, lived it. He can carry us through.

Elder Bednar discusses at length how our covenants with the Lord made at baptism and in the temple bind us to Christ, allowing us access to His power. It is through that power we can find strength to overcome all challenges of life, big or small.

Paperwork has been started for me to go home with home healthcare IV antibiotics, possibly today or perhaps a few days. With tomorrow being Christmas Eve, it feels down to the wire. I could not be more excited or antsy to get home. I am wishing I had more patience.

The more I think about getting home for Christmas to be with my adorable young children and my ever dutiful husband, the more I realize that Christmas is just a day on the calendar. It is an important and special day, of course; but more important that Christmas Day is a Christ-centered life. All the days to celebrate and worship our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

If I could only leave one message for my children this Christmas, it would be this:

Jesus lives. He loves you. No gift under the tree will ever come close to the gift Heavenly Father gave us when He sent His Son: to earth as an infant child to live through mortality; to Jerusalem and its surrounding areas to share the gospel and build the kingdom of God on earth; to Gethsemane to bleed from every pore; to Calvary to suffer crucifixion and give up His life; to the spirit world to unlock the prison gates and start preparing the gospel work for those who lived and died without the gospel; to the empty tomb to show himself to Mary and then others as a resurrected being, having broken the bands of death; to the Sacred Grove to begin the restoration of His church on the earth in the latter days; and to one day soon return to earth to rule and reign forever and ever as King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Jesus Christ is not just some character in the Bible. Nor is He some prophet who did good things, miracles even. Jesus Christ is the literal Son of God, the Way back to our Heavenly Parents. This is the true significance of Christmas, and it is not just for one day. It is for always.

This year, if I do not get home to celebrate just in time for Christmas, we will make time for Christmas. We can still do all the holiday fun things another time, a different day. And rather than wallow in my own self-pity, I can cheer up those who are here with me, especially those who are worse off than I.

I am grateful to the healthcare professionals who work night and day to care for patients like me, holidays or not. I am most grateful to be alive and to know that this, too, shall pass. I am choosing to endure it as well as I can with a cheerful and grateful heart.

A friend reminded me just this morning that whether I go home today or not, my life and improved health alone are evidence of the Lord’s love for me. Such true words! Every breath! I am grateful. And I am feeling physically better than I have in weeks.

Last night, my entire family was gathered together for our annual singing night of all things Christmas. Kids perform, adults sing solos, duets and choral arrangements. We usually take turns playing piano. I have to sing alto rather than my beloved soprano most of the time because there can only be so many divas in one family (at least in the same room ). I was of course not there, but I called and listened for a bit. It sounds so different on the phone, but it was nice to hear and sort of take part. I was glad my children could be there enjoying it. I definitely felt the love and sentiment of the traditional night together, even from afar and only for a couple songs.

My brother told me that one of his favorite carols, “I’ll be Home for Christmas” takes on new meaning this year wondering whether I’ll be home. That made me tear up. In further thinking upon this, however, I realize wherever I can feel the Spirit of the Lord and the love of my family – yes, even in the hospital – I am home for Christmas. “I’ll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams!” Yes, indeed.

Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas, every single day of the year.

Can you think of a time when you felt really close to Jesus Christ? I mean really close. Perhaps you were at your wit’s end trying to figure out a solution to an unsolvable problem. Or maybe a loved one’s life hung in the balance. Per chance, you were struggling to know whether God even exists or if He knows who you are. Maybe you had but a dollar in your bank account and didn’t know how to find your next meal, let alone pay the bills and take care of your family. Perhaps you felt so alone, so very alone. Or maybe, you feel you’ve gone too far, gotten lost, or made too many wrong turns to find your way back.

Regardless of the circumstances, I imagine, if you’re like me, you have felt or feel closest to the Savior when you are at your weakest, darkest moments.

At General Conference just a couple weeks ago, Elder Karl D. Hirst said:

I wonder, if Jesus were to choose a place where you and He could meet, a private place where you would be able to have a singular focus on Him, might He choose your unique place of personal suffering, the place of your deepest need, where no one else can go? Somewhere you feel so lonely that you must truly be all alone but you aren’t quite, a place to which perhaps only He has travelled but actually has already prepared to meet you there when you arrive? If you are waiting for Him to come, might He already be there and within reach?

God’s Favourite, October 2024 General Conference

Notice how this says “if Jesus were to choose.” We are not choosing the meeting place in this scenario. Jesus Christ who has suffered every specific trial, heartache, frustration, and turmoil we could ever experience knows in perfect detail how we feel. He has been there. And He is there with us when we experience it ourselves. “He has actually already prepared to meet us there when we arrive.”

I have been in that specific place many times. Sometimes I’ve stayed there longer than others. Sometimes it looks and feels different than others. And as horrible and miserable of a place it is, I always find Jesus there–with me, holding me, carrying my burdens. He never leaves me comfortless. He always stays as long as I allow Him. And when the depths of sorrow pass, I find myself longing for that closeness again. No, I don’t want to go through the trial again, but nothing can compare to the intimate companionship of the Savior in that place of refining.

My goal each time I leave that place is to keep that feeling, keep that closeness. To keep that “singular focus” on the Savior even though routine life resumes. Yet, in all my efforts, nothing can quite compare, save for small moments of revelation and communion through the Holy Ghost that come through purposefully seeking Jesus. In these times He finds me in the temple, at church or a baptism, at the side of someone else who is suffering, in the quiet moments at the end of the day. It is surprising where we find Him sometimes, but the point is that He is always there. Sometimes we are too busy or distracted to feel Him and know Him.

I am writing this from tge hospital as I am yet again being admitted for another infection that must be treated with IV antibiotics. There is no other way.

My heart is heavy and I feel so broken and beyond frustrated. Four of the last five Octobers (and more than a few Octobers before that) I have spent days or weeks in the hospital for various reasons. I have a milestone wedding anniversary this week, and I honestly cannot remember the last time we celebrated our anniversary on the actual day. Many anniversaries like last year, I have no memory of whatsoever because I was in the hospital with serious difficulties. This year I hope to at least be aware and acknowledge it, knowing we shall celebrate soon.

I had a goal to stay out of the hospital this year. It didn’t happen. I was there in July days before school began. I made a new goal to stay out the entire month of October, but here we are.

Maybe next year.

For now, I will focus on Christ. I will remember my covenants with the Lord, including the one I made with my husband in marriage. I will remember and give thanks for my many, many blessings. I am so loved by my family and friends. I adore my two beautiful children, and pray they will be blessed to feel the love and peace of Jesus when I am not home with them. I pray for my husband who is dutiful in serving and taking care of me in my sickness, never once complaining. I am so blessed!

Life never seems so short as when you are forced to focus on the here and now, forced to slow down and look at what really matters. Since I re-listened to this talk by Elder Hirst just yesterday, these thoughts were already on my mind. But, now they take on even deeper meaning as I embark on this hospital stay. I look forward to having singular focus on Christ as I meet Him again in one of my rough places. He knows it well. He knows me well. May this time I have with Jesus bring me closer to Him and prepare me to face whatever else comes my way in the future. I pray that when this treatment is done, I will keep that focus as strong as I can despite the busyness and distractions of mortal life.

And most importantly, may I always remember the joy that is felt most deeply through the refining fire as I focus on my Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ.

First, I have to apologize for not posting in a while. Between having my birthday, my daughter’s birthday, and then having an unscheduled, fast-track surgery last week, I was not super focused on posting to this blog. But, I do want to share some thoughts and experiences from this past week.

First, I have had more people follow this blog than I anticipated. In all reality, I started this for me and my children; but I hope that as more and more people find it, they will also find JOY in Jesus Christ. This past week was full of ups and downs, but I can honestly say I felt joy each day. So thanks for taking time to read this. I’d love to hear your comments or whatever thoughts you have to share from your own life that bring you joy, too. We are all God’s children working toward the same goal of returning to live with Him again, so He wants us to help each other. It’s definitely a group project not a solo assignment.

This photo was taken on my birthday a little over a week ago. It was a fun, relaxing day. Our girls attend a local gym several days per week, and we went with them to see how they’ve been improving over the last eight weeks. They work so hard and are doing so great. To celebrate them and my birthday, we went to Kneader’s for breakfast: a rare treat for sure! Then we spend most of the day at home doing puzzles, playing games, and watching some Harry Potter movies. We’ve all read all the books, so every once in a while, we watch the movies. My oldest daughter told me she felt that it wasn’t much of a birthday celebration, but it was just what I wanted. Low stress, low key, and lots of time with the people I adore most in this world. My husband, Jarom, spoiled me by doing a full crab boil with Alaskan King Crab. (He bought it on sale a few months ago and saved it for my special day since it is my very favorite.) Looking back over the years of my life, I never could have imagined my life being as it is now with all the blessings I enjoy. But my wish for my birthday this year was one of gratitude: I am forever thankful to be alive and spending time with these wonderful people. Each new day I live, I am blessed to meet more people, interact with friends and neighbors, family and strangers. I hope that as I do, I can be more like Jesus and see them as He sees them and love them for who they really are, not for who they may seem to be. I will strive to be better at that this year.

Another thing I loved about my birthday was spending some one-on-one time with my daughter, Evanie. She is in the 5th grade and always teases me that she is a complicated tween (yeah, not even close – she is such a sweetheart). She was writing her first talk for sacrament meeting, but she had some strong emotions about her topic from personal spiritual experiences that she didn’t really feel comfortable sharing because it was too tender for her to talk about. She told me all the things weighing on her heart and we had such a great visit. She sorted out what she wanted to say in her talk. At the end, she apologized for taking up my birthday fun time. I gave her a huge hug and looked her in the eyes, telling her with all sincerity that there was no other way I wanted to spend my birthday than with her talking and crying and sharing like we did. The Spirit was so strong during our time spent together, and we are so much closer because of it. She is such a sweet spirit, and I am so blessed to be her mother. If there is ever any doubt, my dearest, darling children, please know I always have time for you. I always want to know what’s on your mind and how you feel about things. I will make time. Every time.

This same daughter – my oldest daughter, Evanie – has her birthday only a few days after mine. It’s a great thing we didn’t share the same birthday because we are both kind of obsessed with our birthdays and need our own day. She requested a turtle pull-apart cupcake cake. (Disclaimer: I do not consider myself crafty in any sense of the word, but like most moms, I will give all I can to make my children happy if it is in my power to do so.) I did my best. You can see from the picture, it’s more like a Nailed It! dessert, but it made her happy. It did taste good if I can say so myself, but it was a struggle. We always celebrate with the grandparents coming over to eat cake and open presents and visit. Sometimes we play games, but we didn’t this year. Evanie was most excited because she asked for a box of 96 crayons. I couldn’t find one, but I found a box of 152 crayons. Apparently, this is the largest set anyone has taken to school. She loves drawing and coloring and this one the one thing she wanted most. See what I mean, she’s cute?

What I didn’t tell anyone other than my husband the day of the turtle cake birthday is that I was not feeling well. I had had a couple of UTIs in the month of January already and I felt like I had another one coming on. I had just finished the antibiotics a few days before. I put on a happy face to celebrate with Evanie, but after she went to bed I did too. It was a terrible night of pain and discomfort. Early the next morning, I had a doctor’s visit with my urologist surgeon. I definitely had an infection – the same infection from the previous two infections of the month. It just wasn’t going away even with the antibiotics. He gave me more antibiotics and scheduled me for surgery to replace my ureteral stent (I won’t go into great detail here because this post is already getting long, but basically, I have to have a stent in my ureter from my transplanted kidney to my bladder because without it I cannot drain the urine and I could die. The stent has to be replaced every 90 days.) The surgeon suggested that by moving my surgery up to only 6 weeks after the last procedure, we could get rid of this infection better and for good. It took a lot of coordination and scheduling and help from family to watch my kids, but I had the surgery on Friday. It went well, but the healing seems a little slower than usual. I am sure it is because of the active infection I am still fighting and currently on more antibiotics. So, that leaves me to rest and try to heal.

I hate resting. There, I said it. I love to be busy and doing things. It is no fun to rest and recover. I can only sleep and read and watch so many shows. I love podcasts, but I love them on the go more than in bed resting. I get restless every single time I have to recover or heal. It reminds me of when I was on bedrest with my second daughter, feeling so restless and unable to do what I wanted. I heard the song “Restless” from Mercy River and it stuck in my head, playing over and over. Even today, I can hear the tune and the lyrics:

You dwell in the songs that we are singing,

Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart.

Our praises filling up the spaces

In between our frailty and everything

You are You are the keeper of my hear

And I’m restless, I’m restless

‘Til I rest in You, ’til I rest in You

I am restless, I’m restless

‘Til I rest in You, ’til I rest in You

Oh God, I wanna rest in You

Oh, speak now for my soul is listening

Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark, the dark.

‘Cause I know

You’re more than my salvation

Without you I am hopeless, tell me who You are

You are the keeper of my heart

You are the keeper of my heart

And I’m restless, I’m restless

‘Til I rest in You, ’til I rest in You

I am restless, I’m restless

‘Til I rest in You, ’til I rest in You,

Oh I wanna rest in You

Still my heart, hold me close

Let me hear, a still small voice

Let it grow, let it rise

Into a shout, into a cry

And I am restless, I’m restless

‘Til I rest in You, let me rest in You

And I am restless, so restless

‘Til I rest in You,

’til I rest in You, Oh God

Let me rest in You.

The Lord gives us rest. Even when we aren’t lying down and taking it easy, running around doing all the busy things life brings us, Jesus Christ gives us rest. In the New Testament, Jesus says to “take my yoke upon you and I will give you rest.” I have felt this time and time again as I have to step back and focus on letting my body heal. It is a good opportunity to focus on the Savior and what He has done for me. It is a way to feel the peace that only He can give. When I cannot attend the temple because of my health, I can find Him in my scriptures, in my prayers, in my backyard, in my snuggled children, and in my pondering. If I will let go of my worry and stress and trying to do all the things and just be still, then I can feel His rest. Sometimes it is a real struggle, but I am looking at this through my birthday wish: how can I be grateful for needing to rest and heal? The first thought that came was that I can work on my spiritual and emotional and intellectual goals while my body heals. In doing so, perhaps I will learn more of what I need to do to become more like Jesus Christ. Signing off so I can go rest.